How can I change the other person´s behaviour?

In all human interactions, there are moments when we wish the other person would change their behavior. Whether it’s a mother with her child, in work relationships, from one friend to another, or between partners, we all feel the need to change the other person at some point. We live under the illusion that if we tell the other person what they need to do, they will follow our instructions or advice. It’s not that simple. It’s common to think that the other person has no interest in changing; however, the causes of all behaviors are complex and multifactorial. As Nobel Prize-winning psychologist Daniel Kahneman would say, the causes of behaviors are not the same as the reasons we give to explain what we have done. These causes tend to escape reason, being unconscious, automatic, and largely dependent on context.

With this in mind, we can consider the following:

Differentiate between what I can control and what I cannot: I have greater control over my behavior than over what the other person does.

Identify what I can do and say to influence the other person: For example, if I want the other person to calm down, I need to convey calmness to help co-regulate the other person.

Communicate with requests instead of complaints: A clear request includes a respectful description of the behavior I would like from the other person, rather than an accusation of what they didn’t do.

Create a space for attentive listening with the other person: If we have more information about the other person’s feelings and thoughts, we can understand their motivations and act accordingly.

Modify contexts that promote certain behaviors: Spaces and forms of interaction predispose certain behaviors. When a child has difficulty regulating screen time, it may be necessary to modify the availability of screens in their environment.

These examples can support self-reflection for having more functional relationships. They are challenging to implement but are part of developing greater emotional intelligence and are more effective if we seek to change behavior.

If you are interested in exploring this in greater depth, the following resources analyze the complexity underlying human behavior:

Kahneman, D. (2011). Thinking Fast and Slow. Farrar, Straus & Giroux.